This is an incomplete archive, in fact there's only two seasonal recaps and then a freeform I wrote about a single game from another season. There's also a KQ2 story out there somewhere if you can find it that Andrew Topps did, sadly no coverage exists of the time that 14 and under girls team mowed us down in fastpitch.
Don't miss your chance to witness history at the ballpark or catch up on history here @ SST. All dates denote both when the season happened and when the story was written....I have to cover myself somehow for the lapses in quality, but nostalgia is a fun road to revel on sometimes.
Chapter One: Season Two - Summer of 2004
AKA
The Incident at Ashton Kutcher Creek
AKA
The Incident at Ashton Kutcher Creek
At the close of the first season things were looking bleak for the new age warriors. Many players chose not to return in fear of another No-Shirt takeover attempt. Only a select few chose to march on, and the armada gathered around them was less brotherhood and more mercenary than the founding fathers would have preferred. But without a full band to call their own they chose to march on, styling themselves an elite band of free agents as they signed on under a new banner.
We were known as The Inepts, the name was chosen by team manager Frankie Helm, he was unsure that people would know what the name meant so he included definitions in all team paperwork.
Once again the we dwelt within the murky depths of the Saint Joseph Recreational D league, and as with the season before, halfway through the teams would be reassigned based on win/loss records into the good and bad team divisions. Little did the founding fathers know just how much this league shuffling would alter their destinies this season.
At 0-5, summer pessimism seemed to hold sway over the hired soldiers, as their hearts were more moved by gold than camaraderie and they began to desert the cause en mass. Of especially damning power was the desertion of one of the originals, Nathan Schmoe, he had to "watch Butterfly Effect, it just came out on DVD!" This was taken as an informal resignation.
Sadly, or perhaps Gladly, things were not much better with the tattered remains of the team. Forced to employ free agents from other squads (they were paid in beer) the team limped towards the finish line, however, it should be noted that the final two games of the year were a double header and on this blessed day the first game ended after the full one hour time limit with the score 17-11....The second game....well the second game is the stuff of further legend.
Furry, a team that had been whispered about all season finally arrived to do battle with the heroes of this play. The first thing to note about Furry is that their name is not in fact Furry, rather their team manager misspelled the name Fury on the team applications, furthermore this team arrived on game day with toilet seat lids as they had proclaimed this the "Toilet Bowl" since both teams were 0-9 at that juncture.
The Inepts, having been abandoned by their teammates, were forced to plead with the Furry for a few extra hands to man the bases. They loaned us two, one of which lives on in infamy, Kirk Gibson, hero of the final game of the Inepts. Kirk Gibson had blown out his ACL the previous week and as such was only there in uniform to cheer his brothers on, he was loaned to the team on the condition that he only serve as the designated hitter and boy did he ever hit. With the rookie speedster Jaime Simerly on third and the wily veteran Bob Nulph on first Gibson limped to the plate on one and a half knees, and then, swinging the K-Mart bat that was out namesake, mighty Gibson proceeded to hit his ONLY home run of the season dead away to center field. As he limped towards first base the Furry dugout erupted in insults, the best exchange went as follow:
"You couldn't hit one damn homer for us all year and you jack one for them?"
"If I had to RUN to first I woulda screwed my bad knee up worse and probably blew out the other one too!"
The game ended with runners on first and third in the bottom of the seventh with the score standing at 11-9 when the other replacement brought in fouled out deep to left, a close call and a truly mighty effort in what was known then and now forevermore as "The Toilet Bowl."
2004 incomplete roster:
Kellen Perry - OF/DH
Christopher "Bogey" Bogart - OF/DH
Joshua "Stephen J. Bigly" Hall - P, 1B, 3B, DH
Tyler "Motherfuckin'" Ingram - 1B, 2B, 3B, SS, OF, P
Robert Nulph - P, 1B, DH
Deny Staggs - 2B
Frankie Helm - SS
Steve Classic - C, OF, SS
Justin Tatro - C
Brent Homerding - C, OF
Brent Corey - OF
Mo - 3B
Germ - OF
Nathan Schmoe - OF
Jaime Simerly - OF
No-Shirt - 1B, 2B
Tallboy Timm - OF
AJ - OF
Christopher "Bogey" Bogart - OF/DH
Joshua "Stephen J. Bigly" Hall - P, 1B, 3B, DH
Tyler "Motherfuckin'" Ingram - 1B, 2B, 3B, SS, OF, P
Robert Nulph - P, 1B, DH
Deny Staggs - 2B
Frankie Helm - SS
Steve Classic - C, OF, SS
Justin Tatro - C
Brent Homerding - C, OF
Brent Corey - OF
Mo - 3B
Germ - OF
Nathan Schmoe - OF
Jaime Simerly - OF
No-Shirt - 1B, 2B
Tallboy Timm - OF
AJ - OF
2004 historical notes:
The Bogey rule was enacted not once but twice against pitcher Joshua Hall as he experienced a midseason slump of sorts. The first game he was replaced by Tyler and the second game the next week he was replaced by MWSC professor Robert Nulph who had been manning first base. Nulph proved so adept at pitching that in his first game he induced two strikeouts by foul balls, and to this day his three game stint was enough to cement his status as the greatest relief pitcher in team history. Sadly, a bad back forced him into the DH slot for the last two games of the season and Josh moved back from third and first to resume his pitching duties. However the teachings of Nulph were not to be forgotten, for after intense sessions in the bullpen with the wily veteran Hall managed to get his walks under control and finally mastered the art of the foul out that Nulph taught him so well.
This season also marked the first full blown in game costumes as the week that Josh and AJ graduated from college they chose to play the game in their graduation gowns. The reaction from the fans let them know that they were on to something and the costumes haven't stopped since.
This was the season that Tyler was under the spell of an evil succubus by the name of Suzy Farcas. Farcas forced Tyler into believing that a small piece of dirt and fluff she called a dog was the team mascot, and Tyler, liking that succubooty (though it should be well noted that everyone else was willing to go along with it all too easily since she had hot sorority sister friends and the succubus in question did in fact have half black half white pubic hair which could easily ensnare any man) was willing to go along with the charade as long as the BJ's kept flowing like wine. The dog liked to hump.....everything in sight...thus it became known as Barky McHumpsalot.
Deny Staggs came the closest anyone has come to getting ejected, arguing not one but two calls at home plate and one at second all in the same game. The umpire seemed to be stricken with penis envy......or perhaps hot wife envy.....towards Professor Staggs and was venting his weakness through equally weak calls against the team. Deny being from New York dealt with it in a New York manner which is to say he railed on the guy nearly got tossed for it.
Not only did team captain Frankie Helm quit midway through the season to watch The Butterfly Effect with Schmoe he also set a record for most consecutive pop ups to the shortstop! utilizing a Willy Mays Hayes like golf swing Frankie sought the elusive home run with every swing and instead gave shallow pop up to the shortstop nearly every at bat of the season! Frankie does finish third in the Gold Glove category this year though for his amazing ability to field the ball from between his legs at short stop, a parlor trick that must be seen to be applauded.
The rookie outfielder Jaime Simerly played almost the entire season with only one arm! It's true! At a family gathering a fire erupted in the basement of his grandfathers house thanks to an unholy union of a misplaced jug of gas and misplaced butt of the Marlboro Man. Like a true god Jaime sallied forth into the basement and emerged carrying the tank of gas as it engulfed his arm in flames. His actions saved the house and from the second game forward he continued to play with his throwing arm completely swathed in bandages and salve. Three of his fingers were splinted to help them heal properly as well. Despite these limitations Jaime still had the fewest errors of any outfielder and he played in all ten games, he also was third on the team in batting average, first in singles and first in runs scored, all of this while only swinging with one arm on the bat and the bat crooked under the other. Right handed and he played using only his left hand......only for the love of the game, not millions of dollars in endorsement deals.
2004 award winners:
Silver Slugger - Josh, he only led the team in every offensive category.
Gold Glove - Tyler - Once again playing every position but catcher and the true rock of the infield.
Rookie of the Year - Jaime - Blazing speed meant he scored from first on singles, beat out grounders like they were nothing, and was so fast in center that the "Simerly Shuffle" was enacted which meant the Jaime had left center AND right center all to himself since it was best to give him that much room to slow down before and after a catch. This also allowed double coverage in straightaway left with the other spare center fielder.
MVP - Tyler Ingram - beyond his normal gold glove skills coupled with a second place finish in the silver Slugger category Tyler held the team together at the midway point when defections threatened to tear them apart. As the locker room leader of the team he kept despair to a minimum and was the only player man enough to swallow his pride and go ask other teams to borrow their players. Truly a mans man.
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