Drinking Games

An excerpt from field research notes regarding "The Midwest" entry in The Guide:

Attendance at a local drinking establishment:

Attendance at such venues varies, usually based on which locally popular adult is working at which location. Random factors such as a new chick that is really hot and just moved into town can temporarily sway the populace but normally the local business model supports a pronged "discount herd" approach, wherein the establishments take turns offering Bottom Shelf Liquors and On-Tap beers at suicidal discounts. Going from month to month this moves local herds across town, spreading the economic wealth and ensuring the addiction cycle seems fresh and interesting since it isn't always your neighborhood you're drinking in.

When entering said establishments it's always best to bring cash as the locals have been known to "mis-swipe" a card or two. Also, parking is normally at a premium unless you’re downtown and don’t mind the waft of stale urine going to and from your car as you park inside one of the giant parking garages. The possibility exists to park safely on the outskirts bordering Felix Street square, and that parking garage is also the least Urine soaked, so normally go that route and enter the bar district via the street that runs along the Gazebo and the Tattoo Shop. If you’re hitting up one of the neighborhood bars simply strap up your courage and park on a street.

Bar Staff: The local bar employment scene is usually divided amongst two district tribal groups:

23 year old Bro’s/22 year old Ho’s.

The younger members of the locals, these servers have not yet ground their genitals down against each other and as such are working under a dual set of inspirations. Your comfort, enjoyment and convenience are normally tertiary to this subject, unless you meet specific breeding requirements or a fellow employee that does is not in the immediate vicinity. The possibility does exists for this subject to ascend to the second class of local drink worker, however the gestation period I so great that a common hitchhiker will never remain long enough to watch the full transformation of the subjects life cycle.

This local worker performs his or her job in the following manner:

Pours liquids indiscriminately until appointed clock out hour.

Can make a variety of mixed drinks if by mixed drinks you mean placing soda and cheap hooch in a plastic cup.

Trained tactics include a dumb grin from the bro's and a sly "Oh you're so sweet" from all the ho's, drink is 3/4 Ice, 1/4 Hooch, splash of soda. Serve, cash, repeat.

There is a second class of worker available, however these tend to only exist at the designated former military personal establishments, or those that cater to a clientele that doesn’t express butt hurt outrage at the prospect of paying 6-8 dollars for a proper mixed drink with a dollar tip for the “Bartender.” What’s a bartender you ask?

Bartender:

Age is irrelevant to Professionalism.

Talks to customers, gets to know them, shares a laugh or some discussion and ponders cut off.

“Cut off”, This is a philosophical point, the Bartender cutting you off is in no means an endorsement of driving home, even if he or she could care less because drunk driving happens and the best sermon regarding it involves people throwing stones, which is a parable that always seems to make the people that are sermonizing rather uncomfortable, take of that fact what you will.

In short The Bartender really is your buddy, and is there to make sure you cut loose, but Do It Rite! Again, the local mandates regarding operation of a vehicle are widely varied and sometimes ripe with hypocrisy if you delve further into the fact that you can drive while intoxicated but not have any alcohol in your system. Beware though, this may force some sermonizers to confront the reality of drug abuse in their own lives, because whatever pills the doctor gives as part of the true cycle count as drugs, drug abuse, and DWI too.

This and the “Stones Parable” are the best arguments to deploy in the event that Local Gospel tries to save your soul. The county and city are in on it together and they want to make money off your bad decision. None of “The Establishment” cares about loss of life, if they did they themselves would do local policy Rite!, but they are merely  waiting with an armada of legal fines for you to pay but if you’re a Hitchhiker without the money they WILL put you in jail, especially if there’s a tax initiative on the ballot and they need “behind bars” stats to justify increased expenditures.

Checkpoints sometimes spring up in the strangest places, they will cornhole you, either way, and you very well could end up in a tragedy, because 2 hours of drinking go by fast, but 2 seconds of driving can change your life forever, whether the booze did it or not, so don’t give anyone too many openings to judge you. This is hilly country and lots of people like to shout down from them. In summation, here in The Midwest one shouldn’t drive drunk, but if you do drive drunk, Drive Drunk Rite!, there is no room in the local drug war for amateurs.