Minimal Wage Rage

Things that happen in a too small town:

Customer: *blahblahdroppedsomethinginthedarktheaterandnowImupsetatyoublahblah*

What’s important to note here is that the entire time this person is upset because an usher cleaned the theater between showings, sweeping her debit card into a mountain of trash (when it should have been in her pocket/wallet/purse) Whereas if my usher hadn’t she would be complaining about the filth she had to watch a movie in and still unable to find her card because she would have then dropped it amongst a river of refuse.

Of course I’m also getting the vague impression that she really just thinks we’re running some kinda long-con to get her debit card....because it’s my master scheme to supplement my managerial wage of $7.50 an hour with whatever paltry amount is nestled within the confines of her checking account. And then she drops the omega bomb in an attempt to bring me over to her side.

Customer: “We went to high school together.”

Yes, we did, I remember you, you never said two words to me. Of course, those were the Best Years Of Your Life, and you seem to remember high school now as some kinda Christmas Morning in Whoville where we all joined hands and sang songs to usher in the day.

Bad Newz....none of that happened, in fact those were four of the worst years of my life. I didn’t go to parties and football games because your kind made sure I knew my place. I didn’t exist on a sunshine diet of McMoments like you and your brethren, and while I’d like to say I’m not bitter I obviously am, because all it took to bring that out was you trying to curry favor with cheap false memories.

Customer: “Aren’t you still at KQ2?”

(No, I left two weeks ago because working two jobs, seven days a week, was ALMOST paying my bills but leaving me no time with those I pay the bills for.)

“I haven’t seen you on the morning show in awhile.”

(That’s because I haven’t been the morning anchor for almost 4 years, but that’s an entirely different tale of philosophical warfare in small market television. But thanks again for being like every job interview I've been on since I got the on-air shank)

“I really liked seeing you in the morning.”

(Really? Because it seems to me you'll take whatever is thrown out there....seriously, this is what the 99% argument is all about, I got put into the “new economy” a few years back while you go about your blissfully ignorant life of comfort built upon the backs of those like me. My wife was told she's "maxed out" on raises and her insurance coverage is going down while the premium is going up. Every aspect of the "American Dream" has been forbidden to us, but by all means I should happily go about providing you the life of comfort you expect to enjoy. Don't worry though, The Occupiers can go f-themselves too, I ain’t too proud to work, but I may be too proud to smile while you fuck the asshole of my soul with no lube and nary a kiss on the lips.)

Thanks for bringing that all back because you think you’re being picked on and there isn’t a back-pocket authority figure to rub your ass and tell you you’re special. You’re not, nobody is, and I resent that some of you get to delude yourselves otherwise.

But if we find your card I’ll make every effort to get it back to you. Not because of some Alma Mater B.S., this ain’t a Beach Boys song; I do it because it’s my job. Now go back to fantasy land, the real adults are working here, and I'll be damned if I go dumpster diving for you.

Lil' Remy, the Luckiest One.

The water splashed cold and there was a clean I wasn’t used to in the pet store, I saw all the boys from the old neighborhood were here with me, they ran a lap and exchanged congratulatory hi-fins in the misguided belief that they’d left the bosom of Wal-Mart and stepped into anything less than the long con run short.

Marky was the first to go, a shadow lunged out of an old log along the bottom and he hadn’t even finished telling us what he was going to do with all this space before a sentry of that space consumed him. Suddenly it was a starshine supernova of golden scales as the armor of my brothers was shredded. The water held a nightmare tint of red as the sounds of futile resistance were being snuffed all about me.

It was dumb luck when that gars fin knocked me halfway across this glass walled world and beneath a false rock outcropping at the far end of the tank. I fell asleep to the sounds of teeth still gnashing. I thought that first night was hell….but it didn’t occur to me that hunger would drive you mad.

By night 3 I was delirious from the pain stabbing me in the stomach, it was a feeding frenzy all around me but I still hadn’t left the safety of the little cave I was so rudely thrown into. Suddenly it wafted in, a whitish flake whose musky scent drove me insane; it wasn’t until I woke up from the self-induced food coma that I realized I’d eaten the cast off remains of one of my own kind.

They say what doesn’t kill you will make you stronger…they’re right. Enough meals at the cannibal buffet and I was strong enough and fast enough to make my way around the new block. I made some new routines, cracked some skulls to round up a crew, and now I run the game in this tank. Just don’t tell me I look fat and happy, I may be fat, but nobody get’s happy eating their own kind, it’s just the way the game plays out here on the streets.

Editors Note:

Ariel wanted to do a "news story like you used to Dad" for fathers day, so that's what you'll find below, it's much cuddlier than the tale you read above. I apologize for the janky audio but my toys aren't as neat as the ones I got to play with at KQ2.

Shockingly Graphic Disaster Footage

That's all it takes in a headline anymore isn't it?

It MAY shock you, because everything shocks someone and the promise of that potential drama will draw most people in. Graphics are by definition images thus anything we look at is graphic but to put it like that makes it sound salacious. It's certainly from a disaster and it's clearly footage and we can't get enough of disaster footage shows, that's proven in the ratings.

It's everything you want a headline to be"Pat yourself on the back and move on." as the wise Kellen Perry once said. You'll see variations of that headline compete with "pain at the pump" for this years most overused cliche in multimedia. TV, print, web, you name it. Oversaturation of flood coverage is ironic but at least it may save us from a premature start to the 2012 election silliness.

I'll try to be a bit more serious now and also point out that there's much more in depth and serious minded coverage of the what's and wheres at KQ2, the local newspaper/television tag team Channel 3/News-Press as well as various local radio outlets.

Now I'll quit being serious and pitch to our intrepid reporter Stephen J. Bigly.

Joesy Shore, Game 5 - The Cincy Dragoon

High tides means sandbagging along the Mighty Missouri, so this weeks episode comes in a little late. With floodwaters threatening to close Heritage Park for the season can the boys in black crack into the win column?
This time around Big Dave is off fighting commies so the Joesy Broesy takes the mound....think he'll make some friends? Click below to find out.

Throwback Edition: Chapter 2

Look for the latest Joesy Shore softball edition by Friday, until then I'll be throwing up some of the Myspace Softball Archives to help build the hype for this weeks big "realignment." That's where the worst five teams get put together to close out the season.

This is an incomplete archive, in fact there's only two seasonal recaps and then a freeform I wrote about a single game from another season. There's also a KQ2 story out there somewhere if you can find it that Andrew Topps did, sadly no coverage exists of the time that 14 and under girls team mowed us down in fastpitch.

Don't miss your chance to witness history at the ballpark or catch up on history here @ SST. All dates denote both when the season happened and when the story was written....I have to cover myself somehow for the lapses in quality, but nostalgia is a fun road to revel on sometimes.

Chapter 2: Season 3 - Summer of 2005
AKA
Kerry on my Wayward Sons

The opening of the season began on an ominous note, Tyler, who had so willingly given himself over to she who shall be voodoo pootinanny, received the nut kick of the ages when it was revealed that Miss Voodoo had taken to shacking up with the Gerstenator behind Tyler’s back. Fellow founding father Josh's younger sister and team coach Molly Davis died suddenly from cancer.

Tyler moved into the Casa De Fatima with several other students of the sweet science. Westlake, Kellen, Boz the Pirate and Fatima made for an unlikely group of real world castoffs but the recipe mixed well and Tyler enlisted the help of his other male roommates to begin the process of lifting the banner high once again.

On the other end of the equation Josh turned to his old high school friends, noble men who had fought other such battles and knew the odds, knew the costs, but also knew the glory that came from such holy endeavors. Through the unity of Tyler’s new life and Josh’s old one the battle began once again.

Through a highly secretive and prestigious voting process outside of the Rendezvous bar one Thursday night whilst the Gerstenator dryly humped away at Tyler’s hopes and dreams inside on the dance floor a name was chosen for the third year of glorious combat upon the field of dreams, now and forever this team would be known as The Steel Age Gods of These Last Apocalypse. After many more drinks were imbibed the foundation of this season was laid in the dreams of a contest that would become known as The Wood Bat Challenge.

It was a spring day like many others that had dawned before it, but on this day the lady at the ticket counter taking her hoards of dollar bills and handing out her stash of carnie style ADMIT ONE tickets knew that things would never be the same as a Ninja, Pirate, Scuba Diver, Top hat and Tails Gentleman Caller, Prostitute and others ambled towards the gate money in hand, bloodlust on their minds. And who better to face the renewed wrath of the heroes of the new millennium than their original nemesis The Country Slickers....

Of course that game played out like so many others before it had, but this time life was different, meats tasted sweeter, waters quenched as never before. There was a new spirit that had inhabited the team, a zest of life that was missing the previous season, it would be easy to say that it was simply personal tragedies, but there was something else, something pure and untainted by adult disillusions and former teenage delusions, the war felt right again.

Midway through the season a critical glove shortage hit the team with an unholy vengeance, but in this dark moment a team that held true to the Steel Age Gods own beliefs arrived to save the day, Dream Gear. As the Steel Age Gods were the stereotypically underachieving goofy white boys Dream Gear were the stereotypically cool as f--- ethnic team that whooped the righteous ass with their ridonkulously huge biceps and unflappable demeanors. They loaned the Gods hands of leather and padding to assist them in their hour of need and even loaned them The Ringer for the duration of their game that week, The Ringer being a former minor league shortstop who fielded like a Pimp gets his business. Borrowed gloves and borrowed talent could only carry them so far that day though as the record stood at 0-26.

The third season was widely credited with being the best yet, and optimism rained down upon the field even as the TV cameras were rolling and recording the tenth loss of the season on the final game of the year, to leave the cause at an unsurprising record of 0-30. This mattered not though, as greater battles had been won this summer than the scores upon the boards indicated.

2005 Incomplete Roster

Joshua Hall - P

Tyler Ingram - SS, 1B, 2B, 3B

Steve Classic - 3B, OF

Anthony Blackbeard Bozzler - C, SS

Aaron Westlake - 1B, OF

Josh Berry - 2B

Road Warrior Luke - 3B, OF

Jaime Simerly - OF

Jeremy Otto - OF

Seth - OF

Gentleman Caller - SS

Colin - OF

Joe Mulvaney - OF

Justin Bird Peacock - OF, C

Brother of Westlake - 3B

Kellen Perry - OF

Brent Corey - OF

2005 Historical Notes:

Tyler became the first player ever ejected from a game. Moreover he was kicked out of the entire park and forced to watch the game from the outfield fence until the team was threatened with disqualification unless he "evaporated in the next minute," one has to wonder what the umpire would have done had Tyler complied word for word with her instructions. It turns out it was Westlakes dad dressed up as Tyler on the fence, but that just makes it more awesome.

Jeremy Otto began a strong hall of fame case by arriving for the Dream Gear game dressed entirely as a mime, never breaking character, he even mimed his at bats. Jeremy also made an invaluable contribution to Steel Age lore when he uttered this infamous mission statement, "If people want to get drunk and pretend to be high school athletes than we can get drunk and pretend to be astronauts and scientists."

Aaron Westlake was voted sexiest first baseman when it was revealed that he was in fact sexier than every other first baseman in the league. His younger brother also began his journey at 3B as quite the tasty dish too.

Though Dream Gear will be remembered as the coolest, another team known as The Beers will forever be remembered as the ballsiest as they became the first team ever to take the Wood Bat Challenge. This game was contested with a 1952 Louisville Slugger with gaffers tape wound round the handle. The Steel Age Gods set team records for hits AND stranded runners this game, they also lead after the first inning for the first time in team history.

The league offices were forced to extend the season by over one month this year due to a freakish number of rainouts and lightning storms. At one point the Steel Age Gods went three straight weeks without playing a game.

Phoenix Scientific, notorious equipment cowards, actually dodged the Gods this year because they didn't want to play them, they actually feared losing to them as this was their weakest team in years. That or they had too many baby bunnies needing cosmetics pumped into their eyes so they were unable to find time to play them.

This marked the lowest dropout total of any team to date! Only Kellen and Brent stepped out on the team and both did so by the fourth game of the season leaving plenty of time for new blood to acclimate to the system. Neither dropped out to watch The Butterfly Effect either, so the sting of defection wasn't too bad.

2005 Award Winners:

Silver Slugger: Josh - He was almost overshadowed by rookie batting phenom Hollywood Justin Peacock, who were it not for a late season rash of foul outs may have ended Josh's reign of Silver Slugger awards.

Gold Glove: Tyler - Once again the infield Hoover wore many hats and played many positions en route to extending his own team records for fielding percentage, put outs and assists. Though Jaime made strides in the outfield thanks to the Simerly Shift it wasn’t enough to end Tyler’s dominance of the gold glove division

M.V.P.: Anthony Blackbeard Bozzler - The true mark of an MVP isn't in how the team plays with him, it's in how the team plays without him, and no one could deny that without Blackbeard Boz upon the field the team was missing something that could not be denied. Three times during the season he was forced to sail the seas and miss a game and all three times the drop in overall production values was not only noticeable, it was depressing. On top of his costumed antics Boz provided a lethal left-handed bat in the middle of the order and was also the first catcher in team history to record an out on a play at the plate more than once in a season. Fearless staring down all comers the pirate murdered six would be scorers in his inaugural season and kept countless others tethered to third in fear of his scurrilous rage. Perhaps the final nail in the coffin of his case come from the now cherished 'dirt worm' a reverse inchworm done in the dirt of the infield any time a play of true significance occurs. Legend has it that the pirate also has a code word that unleashes his true bestial self, though none have ever spoken it for fear of the consequences.

Rookie of the Year: Boz - See Above, it was after all his rookie year as well. Hard to believe a rookie could bring that much to the table but Boz proved all the doubters wrong with his drive, determination and bread in a bottle.