The water splashed cold and there was a clean I wasn’t used to in the pet store, I saw all the boys from the old neighborhood were here with me, they ran a lap and exchanged congratulatory hi-fins in the misguided belief that they’d left the bosom of Wal-Mart and stepped into anything less than the long con run short.
Marky was the first to go, a shadow lunged out of an old log along the bottom and he hadn’t even finished telling us what he was going to do with all this space before a sentry of that space consumed him. Suddenly it was a starshine supernova of golden scales as the armor of my brothers was shredded. The water held a nightmare tint of red as the sounds of futile resistance were being snuffed all about me.
It was dumb luck when that gars fin knocked me halfway across this glass walled world and beneath a false rock outcropping at the far end of the tank. I fell asleep to the sounds of teeth still gnashing. I thought that first night was hell….but it didn’t occur to me that hunger would drive you mad.
By night 3 I was delirious from the pain stabbing me in the stomach, it was a feeding frenzy all around me but I still hadn’t left the safety of the little cave I was so rudely thrown into. Suddenly it wafted in, a whitish flake whose musky scent drove me insane; it wasn’t until I woke up from the self-induced food coma that I realized I’d eaten the cast off remains of one of my own kind.
They say what doesn’t kill you will make you stronger…they’re right. Enough meals at the cannibal buffet and I was strong enough and fast enough to make my way around the new block. I made some new routines, cracked some skulls to round up a crew, and now I run the game in this tank. Just don’t tell me I look fat and happy, I may be fat, but nobody get’s happy eating their own kind, it’s just the way the game plays out here on the streets.
Editors Note:
Ariel wanted to do a "news story like you used to Dad" for fathers day, so that's what you'll find below, it's much cuddlier than the tale you read above. I apologize for the janky audio but my toys aren't as neat as the ones I got to play with at KQ2.
That's all it takes in a headline anymore isn't it?
It MAY shock you, because everything shocks someone and the promise of that potential drama will draw most people in. Graphics are by definition images thus anything we look at is graphic but to put it like that makes it sound salacious. It's certainly from a disaster and it's clearly footage and we can't get enough of disaster footage shows, that's proven in the ratings.
It's everything you want a headline to be"Pat yourself on the back and move on." as the wise Kellen Perry once said. You'll see variations of that headline compete with "pain at the pump" for this years most overused cliche in multimedia. TV, print, web, you name it. Oversaturation of flood coverage is ironic but at least it may save us from a premature start to the 2012 election silliness.
I'll try to be a bit more serious now and also point out that there's much more in depth and serious minded coverage of the what's and wheres at KQ2, the local newspaper/television tag team Channel 3/News-Press as well as various local radio outlets.
Now I'll quit being serious and pitch to our intrepid reporter Stephen J. Bigly.
High tides means sandbagging along the Mighty Missouri, so this weeks episode comes in a little late. With floodwaters threatening to close Heritage Park for the season can the boys in black crack into the win column? This time around Big Dave is off fighting commies so the Joesy Broesy takes the mound....think he'll make some friends? Click below to find out.
Look for the latest Joesy Shore softball edition by Friday, until then I'll be throwing up some of the Myspace Softball Archives to help build the hype for this weeks big "realignment." That's where the worst five teams get put together to close out the season.
This is an incomplete archive, in fact there's only two seasonal recaps and then a freeform I wrote about a single game from another season. There's also a KQ2 story out there somewhere if you can find it that Andrew Topps did, sadly no coverage exists of the time that 14 and under girls team mowed us down in fastpitch.
Don't miss your chance to witness history at the ballpark or catch up on history here @ SST. All dates denote both when the season happened and when the story was written....I have to cover myself somehow for the lapses in quality, but nostalgia is a fun road to revel on sometimes.
Chapter 2: Season 3 - Summer of 2005 AKA Kerry on my Wayward Sons
The opening of the season began on an ominous note, Tyler, who had so willingly given himself over to she who shall be voodoo pootinanny, received the nut kick of the ages when it was revealed that Miss Voodoo had taken to shacking up with the Gerstenator behind Tyler’s back. Fellow founding father Josh's younger sister and team coach Molly Davis died suddenly from cancer.
Tyler moved into the Casa De Fatima with several other students of the sweet science. Westlake, Kellen, Boz the Pirate and Fatima made for an unlikely group of real world castoffs but the recipe mixed well and Tyler enlisted the help of his other male roommates to begin the process of lifting the banner high once again.
On the other end of the equation Josh turned to his old high school friends, noble men who had fought other such battles and knew the odds, knew the costs, but also knew the glory that came from such holy endeavors. Through the unity of Tyler’s new life and Josh’s old one the battle began once again.
Through a highly secretive and prestigious voting process outside of the Rendezvous bar one Thursday night whilst the Gerstenator dryly humped away at Tyler’s hopes and dreams inside on the dance floor a name was chosen for the third year of glorious combat upon the field of dreams, now and forever this team would be known as The Steel Age Gods of These Last Apocalypse. After many more drinks were imbibed the foundation of this season was laid in the dreams of a contest that would become known as The Wood Bat Challenge.
It was a spring day like many others that had dawned before it, but on this day the lady at the ticket counter taking her hoards of dollar bills and handing out her stash of carnie style ADMIT ONE tickets knew that things would never be the same as a Ninja, Pirate, Scuba Diver, Top hat and Tails Gentleman Caller, Prostitute and others ambled towards the gate money in hand, bloodlust on their minds. And who better to face the renewed wrath of the heroes of the new millennium than their original nemesis The Country Slickers....
Of course that game played out like so many others before it had, but this time life was different, meats tasted sweeter, waters quenched as never before. There was a new spirit that had inhabited the team, a zest of life that was missing the previous season, it would be easy to say that it was simply personal tragedies, but there was something else, something pure and untainted by adult disillusions and former teenage delusions, the war felt right again.
Midway through the season a critical glove shortage hit the team with an unholy vengeance, but in this dark moment a team that held true to the Steel Age Gods own beliefs arrived to save the day, Dream Gear. As the Steel Age Gods were the stereotypically underachieving goofy white boys Dream Gear were the stereotypically cool as f--- ethnic team that whooped the righteous ass with their ridonkulously huge biceps and unflappable demeanors. They loaned the Gods hands of leather and padding to assist them in their hour of need and even loaned them The Ringer for the duration of their game that week, The Ringer being a former minor league shortstop who fielded like a Pimp gets his business. Borrowed gloves and borrowed talent could only carry them so far that day though as the record stood at 0-26.
The third season was widely credited with being the best yet, and optimism rained down upon the field even as the TV cameras were rolling and recording the tenth loss of the season on the final game of the year, to leave the cause at an unsurprising record of 0-30. This mattered not though, as greater battles had been won this summer than the scores upon the boards indicated.
2005 Incomplete Roster
Joshua Hall - P
Tyler Ingram - SS, 1B, 2B, 3B
Steve Classic - 3B, OF
Anthony Blackbeard Bozzler - C, SS
Aaron Westlake - 1B, OF
Josh Berry - 2B
Road Warrior Luke - 3B, OF
Jaime Simerly - OF
Jeremy Otto - OF
Seth - OF
Gentleman Caller - SS
Colin - OF
Joe Mulvaney - OF
Justin Bird Peacock - OF, C
Brother of Westlake - 3B
Kellen Perry - OF
Brent Corey - OF
2005 Historical Notes:
Tyler became the first player ever ejected from a game. Moreover he was kicked out of the entire park and forced to watch the game from the outfield fence until the team was threatened with disqualification unless he "evaporated in the next minute," one has to wonder what the umpire would have done had Tyler complied word for word with her instructions. It turns out it was Westlakes dad dressed up as Tyler on the fence, but that just makes it more awesome.
Jeremy Otto began a strong hall of fame case by arriving for the Dream Gear game dressed entirely as a mime, never breaking character, he even mimed his at bats. Jeremy also made an invaluable contribution to Steel Age lore when he uttered this infamous mission statement, "If people want to get drunk and pretend to be high school athletes than we can get drunk and pretend to be astronauts and scientists."
Aaron Westlake was voted sexiest first baseman when it was revealed that he was in fact sexier than every other first baseman in the league. His younger brother also began his journey at 3B as quite the tasty dish too.
Though Dream Gear will be remembered as the coolest, another team known as The Beers will forever be remembered as the ballsiest as they became the first team ever to take the Wood Bat Challenge. This game was contested with a 1952 Louisville Slugger with gaffers tape wound round the handle. The Steel Age Gods set team records for hits AND stranded runners this game, they also lead after the first inning for the first time in team history.
The league offices were forced to extend the season by over one month this year due to a freakish number of rainouts and lightning storms. At one point the Steel Age Gods went three straight weeks without playing a game.
Phoenix Scientific, notorious equipment cowards, actually dodged the Gods this year because they didn't want to play them, they actually feared losing to them as this was their weakest team in years. That or they had too many baby bunnies needing cosmetics pumped into their eyes so they were unable to find time to play them.
This marked the lowest dropout total of any team to date! Only Kellen and Brent stepped out on the team and both did so by the fourth game of the season leaving plenty of time for new blood to acclimate to the system. Neither dropped out to watch The Butterfly Effect either, so the sting of defection wasn't too bad.
2005 Award Winners:
Silver Slugger: Josh - He was almost overshadowed by rookie batting phenom Hollywood Justin Peacock, who were it not for a late season rash of foul outs may have ended Josh's reign of Silver Slugger awards.
Gold Glove: Tyler - Once again the infield Hoover wore many hats and played many positions en route to extending his own team records for fielding percentage, put outs and assists. Though Jaime made strides in the outfield thanks to the Simerly Shift it wasn’t enough to end Tyler’s dominance of the gold glove division
M.V.P.: Anthony Blackbeard Bozzler - The true mark of an MVP isn't in how the team plays with him, it's in how the team plays without him, and no one could deny that without Blackbeard Boz upon the field the team was missing something that could not be denied. Three times during the season he was forced to sail the seas and miss a game and all three times the drop in overall production values was not only noticeable, it was depressing. On top of his costumed antics Boz provided a lethal left-handed bat in the middle of the order and was also the first catcher in team history to record an out on a play at the plate more than once in a season. Fearless staring down all comers the pirate murdered six would be scorers in his inaugural season and kept countless others tethered to third in fear of his scurrilous rage. Perhaps the final nail in the coffin of his case come from the now cherished 'dirt worm' a reverse inchworm done in the dirt of the infield any time a play of true significance occurs. Legend has it that the pirate also has a code word that unleashes his true bestial self, though none have ever spoken it for fear of the consequences.
Rookie of the Year: Boz - See Above, it was after all his rookie year as well. Hard to believe a rookie could bring that much to the table but Boz proved all the doubters wrong with his drive, determination and bread in a bottle.
Look for the latest Joesy Shore softball edition by Friday, until then I'll be throwing up some of the Myspace Softball Archives to help build the hype for this weeks big "realignment." That's where the worst five teams get put together to close out the season.
This is an incomplete archive, in fact there's only two seasonal recaps and then a freeform I wrote about a single game from another season. There's also a KQ2 story out there somewhere if you can find it that Andrew Topps did, sadly no coverage exists of the time that 14 and under girls team mowed us down in fastpitch.
Don't miss your chance to witness history at the ballpark or catch up on history here @ SST. All dates denote both when the season happened and when the story was written....I have to cover myself somehow for the lapses in quality, but nostalgia is a fun road to revel on sometimes.
Chapter One: Season Two - Summer of 2004 AKA The Incident at Ashton Kutcher Creek
At the close of the first season things were looking bleak for the new age warriors. Many players chose not to return in fear of another No-Shirt takeover attempt. Only a select few chose to march on, and the armada gathered around them was less brotherhood and more mercenary than the founding fathers would have preferred. But without a full band to call their own they chose to march on, styling themselves an elite band of free agents as they signed on under a new banner.
We were known as The Inepts, the name was chosen by team manager Frankie Helm, he was unsure that people would know what the name meant so he included definitions in all team paperwork.
Once again the we dwelt within the murky depths of the Saint Joseph Recreational D league, and as with the season before, halfway through the teams would be reassigned based on win/loss records into the good and bad team divisions. Little did the founding fathers know just how much this league shuffling would alter their destinies this season.
At 0-5, summer pessimism seemed to hold sway over the hired soldiers, as their hearts were more moved by gold than camaraderie and they began to desert the cause en mass. Of especially damning power was the desertion of one of the originals, Nathan Schmoe, he had to "watch Butterfly Effect, it just came out on DVD!" This was taken as an informal resignation.
Sadly, or perhaps Gladly, things were not much better with the tattered remains of the team. Forced to employ free agents from other squads (they were paid in beer) the team limped towards the finish line, however, it should be noted that the final two games of the year were a double header and on this blessed day the first game ended after the full one hour time limit with the score 17-11....The second game....well the second game is the stuff of further legend.
Furry, a team that had been whispered about all season finally arrived to do battle with the heroes of this play. The first thing to note about Furry is that their name is not in fact Furry, rather their team manager misspelled the name Fury on the team applications, furthermore this team arrived on game day with toilet seat lids as they had proclaimed this the "Toilet Bowl" since both teams were 0-9 at that juncture.
The Inepts, having been abandoned by their teammates, were forced to plead with the Furry for a few extra hands to man the bases. They loaned us two, one of which lives on in infamy, Kirk Gibson, hero of the final game of the Inepts. Kirk Gibson had blown out his ACL the previous week and as such was only there in uniform to cheer his brothers on, he was loaned to the team on the condition that he only serve as the designated hitter and boy did he ever hit. With the rookie speedster Jaime Simerly on third and the wily veteran Bob Nulph on first Gibson limped to the plate on one and a half knees, and then, swinging the K-Mart bat that was out namesake, mighty Gibson proceeded to hit his ONLY home run of the season dead away to center field. As he limped towards first base the Furry dugout erupted in insults, the best exchange went as follow:
"You couldn't hit one damn homer for us all year and you jack one for them?" "If I had to RUN to first I woulda screwed my bad knee up worse and probably blew out the other one too!"
The game ended with runners on first and third in the bottom of the seventh with the score standing at 11-9 when the other replacement brought in fouled out deep to left, a close call and a truly mighty effort in what was known then and now forevermore as "The Toilet Bowl."
2004 incomplete roster:
Kellen Perry - OF/DH Christopher "Bogey" Bogart - OF/DH Joshua "Stephen J. Bigly" Hall - P, 1B, 3B, DH Tyler "Motherfuckin'" Ingram - 1B, 2B, 3B, SS, OF, P Robert Nulph - P, 1B, DH Deny Staggs - 2B Frankie Helm - SS Steve Classic - C, OF, SS Justin Tatro - C Brent Homerding - C, OF Brent Corey - OF Mo - 3B Germ - OF Nathan Schmoe - OF Jaime Simerly - OF No-Shirt - 1B, 2B Tallboy Timm - OF AJ - OF
2004 historical notes:
The Bogey rule was enacted not once but twice against pitcher Joshua Hall as he experienced a midseason slump of sorts. The first game he was replaced by Tyler and the second game the next week he was replaced by MWSC professor Robert Nulph who had been manning first base. Nulph proved so adept at pitching that in his first game he induced two strikeouts by foul balls, and to this day his three game stint was enough to cement his status as the greatest relief pitcher in team history. Sadly, a bad back forced him into the DH slot for the last two games of the season and Josh moved back from third and first to resume his pitching duties. However the teachings of Nulph were not to be forgotten, for after intense sessions in the bullpen with the wily veteran Hall managed to get his walks under control and finally mastered the art of the foul out that Nulph taught him so well.
This season also marked the first full blown in game costumes as the week that Josh and AJ graduated from college they chose to play the game in their graduation gowns. The reaction from the fans let them know that they were on to something and the costumes haven't stopped since.
This was the season that Tyler was under the spell of an evil succubus by the name of Suzy Farcas. Farcas forced Tyler into believing that a small piece of dirt and fluff she called a dog was the team mascot, and Tyler, liking that succubooty (though it should be well noted that everyone else was willing to go along with it all too easily since she had hot sorority sister friends and the succubus in question did in fact have half black half white pubic hair which could easily ensnare any man) was willing to go along with the charade as long as the BJ's kept flowing like wine. The dog liked to hump.....everything in sight...thus it became known as Barky McHumpsalot.
Deny Staggs came the closest anyone has come to getting ejected, arguing not one but two calls at home plate and one at second all in the same game. The umpire seemed to be stricken with penis envy......or perhaps hot wife envy.....towards Professor Staggs and was venting his weakness through equally weak calls against the team. Deny being from New York dealt with it in a New York manner which is to say he railed on the guy nearly got tossed for it.
Not only did team captain Frankie Helm quit midway through the season to watch The Butterfly Effect with Schmoe he also set a record for most consecutive pop ups to the shortstop! utilizing a Willy Mays Hayes like golf swing Frankie sought the elusive home run with every swing and instead gave shallow pop up to the shortstop nearly every at bat of the season! Frankie does finish third in the Gold Glove category this year though for his amazing ability to field the ball from between his legs at short stop, a parlor trick that must be seen to be applauded.
The rookie outfielder Jaime Simerly played almost the entire season with only one arm! It's true! At a family gathering a fire erupted in the basement of his grandfathers house thanks to an unholy union of a misplaced jug of gas and misplaced butt of the Marlboro Man. Like a true god Jaime sallied forth into the basement and emerged carrying the tank of gas as it engulfed his arm in flames. His actions saved the house and from the second game forward he continued to play with his throwing arm completely swathed in bandages and salve. Three of his fingers were splinted to help them heal properly as well. Despite these limitations Jaime still had the fewest errors of any outfielder and he played in all ten games, he also was third on the team in batting average, first in singles and first in runs scored, all of this while only swinging with one arm on the bat and the bat crooked under the other. Right handed and he played using only his left hand......only for the love of the game, not millions of dollars in endorsement deals.
2004 award winners:
Silver Slugger - Josh, he only led the team in every offensive category.
Gold Glove - Tyler - Once again playing every position but catcher and the true rock of the infield.
Rookie of the Year - Jaime - Blazing speed meant he scored from first on singles, beat out grounders like they were nothing, and was so fast in center that the "Simerly Shuffle" was enacted which meant the Jaime had left center AND right center all to himself since it was best to give him that much room to slow down before and after a catch. This also allowed double coverage in straightaway left with the other spare center fielder.
MVP - Tyler Ingram - beyond his normal gold glove skills coupled with a second place finish in the silver Slugger category Tyler held the team together at the midway point when defections threatened to tear them apart. As the locker room leader of the team he kept despair to a minimum and was the only player man enough to swallow his pride and go ask other teams to borrow their players. Truly a mans man.
