Dumbers Game

For the HairyBear Brothers, Honeybear and GareBear.

How does one dominate the Pleb’s without heavy ammo? This is a Gentleman’s duel and I ain’t got a cannon because it’s in the repair shop. Rich Harden, Eric Bedard, Mark Prior, D-Train, Joakim, Phil Hughes, Brad Lidge most years.

Every year round this time I put on my Kerouac and dive into a draft day manifesto for the burning passion that is Fantasy Baseball. Sure, I aped the idea from Matthew Berry of ESPN and Bill Simmons of Grantland, what of it? And just like Simmons I learned last year that the Got’ Damned Competition be peepin’ my tactics thanks to the printed word.

Initially this simply led me to hold back on publication ‘till after this years Uber Draft….but then I got lost in the ponder. Initially I intended to go into statistical depth to explain why this was the year I went the ZiMA route, that’s Zero Investment Mound Aces for you Rooks and Fish. With Moneyball in the air I was gonna fly my geek flag high and proclaim the wisdom of a “better way.”

I didn’t like it, the soul was missing from the song. Discussion on strategy is static, it’s boring and for the uninitiated it’s intimidating. How could I convey the passion behind my logic? What would drive a man to spend his fake dollars on nothing but offense? That’s right kids, I spent every dollar I could on offense this year, and spent nothing but the bare minimum on pitching. I did this in every league I participate in, I’m surfing the dollar bin for starters, chasing setup guys with upside for closers.

Why take the risk?

1: The Goal is to Crush Offense and figure out the rest as the season goes on.

2: Dontrelle F’in Willis and Joakim MotherF’in Soria.

Dontrelle is the more egregious of these offenders, let’s just say more than one season was derailed by the D Train….and last years brilliant plan to focus on high ratio closers went down faster than a freshman on prom night when Soria became the punch-line to “What could the Royals have moved and gotten Jesus Montero in return?

So many pitchers have broken my heart….that’s right, they’ve legitimately hurt my feelings…..that’s how serious I take this imaginary game. I’ve kissed them with my eyes closed tight and been left standing on a mound like Drew Barrymore with no Prince Charming riding in from center. I’ll never give one of those rat bastards a shred of my teams budgetary hymen ever….eeeeeever again.

How do they do it? I don’t know…pitchers are fragile but it seems like a guarantee that if I target you in a draft a career year is not in the cards......................It hurts, and so no more. You win, I don’t ever want to pay for a pitcher I want ever again. Is that Suessical enough to merit a grin?

Instead I’m gonna take this armada of bats I assembled and pull some wire to wire pimp stick sodomy runs. Ichiro ain’t dead…and the 3 hole is gonna turn him into an Asian Hulk…..Prince is gonna make his ‘em all forget about his Daddy in Detroit, because he hates his Daddy and because he’s gonna go off for 763 home runs this season alone….Michael Bourne is gonna steal me the league with those 60 steals of his….Howie Kendrick with FINALLY fulfill that mythical notion of “promise”…and the black magic man Ervin Santana and his fellow $1 All Stars are gonna lead me a Gashouse Gang of pitching that’s gonna Get Along GangRape every one of these jerkballs in my league….Eric Aybar? SOD! Emilio Bonifacio?!?!? 5 POSITION ELIGIBILITY! Where I come from a man gets shot in Reno for that kinda speedy action with sexxxy options.

Ervin Santana for a Dollar? That’s right, chumps be actin’ crazy up in here. It takes passion, the will to dominate, the copper scent of domination and seduction. And I can’t wait to rub it all over my opposition like a Carnival Bukkake.

I made mention of two mens asses I wanted to kick....truthfully I'd like to kick many in the name of fantasy domination, but these two in particular because they are worthy intellects, and only worthy prey bring the joy of a kill. Yep, I get my adult hobby jollies pretending to own a baseball team and browbeat my friends regarding their perceived shortcomings within this arena.....victims....aren't we all? ….and all over a Silly Little Game.

The Finer Things in Life

Ladies and Gentleman, boys and girls, ch-ch-ch-children of all ages, your mothers bosom, your fathers loins, the city of Saint Joseph and the premier Competitive Softball Organization in all the Midland Empire proudly brings to you the 2012 Season of Fun-k!

Thrills, chills, bone crunching spills, you’ll pay for a whole bleacher….but you’ll only need the edge!

This year spring practices are being held at 2 p.m. every Sunday down at Hyde Fields. In big news for not only NWO nation but also the city of Saint Joseph games will not be held at Hyde Fields this year, because Heritage Park has already risen from the depths! It’ll cost us two games but we get an eight game slate at what remains the premier softball complex in North America.

It's about the prettiest damn thing in person.

Repeated attempts at acquiring sponsorship remain in limbo, the locals fear a crackdown were they to salute the revolution, so the cost of the crusades must again fall upon those noble knights who take the field of battle. League Fees break down to $30 a player and are due soon…very, very, very soon.

Ask Tyler exactly how soon they’re due…and be prepared for the severity of his response for he is both a new father and an awoken giant who needs his meat.

Upon breaking camp at the palatial SouthSide Spring Training Complex the current active roster for 2012 is as follows:

C: Hootie Wales
P: Joshua Hall
1B: Alec Westlake
2B: Justin Peacock
SS: Tyler Ingrim
3B: Kevin Buntin
LF:
LC: Jaime Simerly
RC: Ryan Menley
RF: Mark Fisher
DH: Jeremy Otto

We're awaiting commitments from some of the premier free agents out there, and a full roster will be issued in time for your regional softball fantasy drafts.

In additional news NWO management and Firehouse Designs have teamed up once again to offer a limited edition way for fans and teammates alike to show their support for the Silver and Black.

Due to overwhelming fan support and public demand we are proud to announce that this year we are taking things ever farther with the very first “Official Game Jersey” in team history!

Crispy American threads are interwoven in a polyweave sleeveless cut with front and back ducktails for that authentic John Kruk appeal. Straight up buttons for the classical approach. Charcoal white and pinstripe black bring a slimming and old school elegance that harkens back to the barnstorming days of yore when opposing towns lined up their manliest for regional glory.

Them right there's the sleeves of the future, when man has evolved past the need to hide all those bitchin' tats on his upper arms.

But those days gone bye don’t end there, drawing inspiration from a crown jewel of Kansas City Baseball history, the Kansas City Monarchs, this inaugural jersey wouldn’t be complete without the now official NWO interlocking heartshield ™! AND customized back featuring name and number with the font and style you saw in the image at the top of this announcement!

That's quite a logo we got there.

This is a stunning work of tailorsmanship provided by local business owner and artist Jackie Crocket of Firehouse Designs, located in Saint Josephs Southside, right across the street from Betty’s Café.

To keep costs as low as possible for fans and gladiators alike Jackie will be running a single pressing at the cost of $50 each, to also keep these costs locked in at such a low rate orders and money will be due to Tyler and Josh by Sunday April 22nd…again speak with Tyler regarding the severity of financial deadlines.

We are those that are truly blessed to feel that sun shining down, down from a sky that’s as blue as the lightsabre of a farm boy. We are yet again humbled by those new teammates who have already joined us such as Harper and Henry, we are excited by the prospect of embracing new brothers and sisters in arms, those of all ages, races, philosophies, creeds, orientations and sizes.

We look forward to the support of the Black Legion and know that this is the year that with your support we shall cry unto the heavens, we shall embrace and add to the honor of our ancestors. The hoodie of dead coach shall alight in flame, the night will dawn when Tyler is allowed to cry without being punished, an eve shall pass as Classic feels a tremble in the force shortly before his phone rings, Captain Boz will receive word upon the tides, when it'll feel so good, to feel so right. Our ships comin' in baby and it won't matter if it's been off to distant lands.

We are the men who will fight for your honor, and these shall be the days when we speak forth in legion “1 and (however many losses it took us to get that 1 win)!”....for the record we're sittin' at something like 0-61 right now....but I still maintain that girls 14 and Under fastpitch team were nuthin' but a bunch of bullies.