Very recently I got a letter in the mail from Andrew County, MO. Inside was a receipt and assurances that all obligations had been met and debts incurred were now accounted for. My Christmas stint in the clink is officially behind me. So here’s the shockingly true, behind bars story, of my weekend in jail.
Things started out innocently enough, as most criminal deeds do. I was at a local high school football game; South Holt is where we set our scene. There’s a cool cemetery behind the field, they’re called the Knights but I swear they’d rock an awesome purple and black as the Necromancers. I’d gotten a delicious package of highlights from the game, turnovers, touchdowns, defense, special teams.
I had an orgasm of editing delicious inside this camera and Grandmas across the region (given that region and the number of players with grandmas……20 max….just so you know our stakes here) were going to scream like Murder She Wrote was back when they hit the air. The only problem was that in procuring these highlights I’d stayed late, I had 20 minutes max to get back to KQ2 and edit or they probably wouldn't make the air. I was gonna have to goose the gas a little.
90 in a 70 is considered a little fast in the state of Missouri. In fact it turns out in Andrew County it carries a mandatory jail term of 2 days. Philosophy aside let it be entered into record that this is immutable fact. A chubby Korean from Omaha who was obviously family rich did the same time at the same time as my cracker self for the same offense……Oh and we both had lawyers….I get the feeling he paid a lot more for his 2 days in jail than I did though. So don’t bother thinking you can lawyer up.
In fact, I challenge any of you to get popped rolling 90 in a 70 up there, just make a quick Dairy Queen run, their Brazier > All Our Braziers anyway. That judge will give you an animated explanation of his policy that is priceless, even when you’re the one getting a taste of Oz Season 3 lovin’. I assure you.
So I argue not the fairness of my sentence, and in fact salute that in Andrew County justice is blind, just like the statue says it should be. But what is “48 consecutive hours” in the Andrew County jail you ask? Well, it aint like a celebrity stint in the clink.
In an attempt to hide the fact that I was going to jail from my daughters I told them I was hanging out at the farm pond that weekend…..in December. My oldest child is quite the detective and pointed out I wouldn’t take 2 books, notebook paper, a pillow, and assorteds to go over to Ruhnkes place. I confessed, she cried, I cried, yeah, good times. We got the sentence started in my heart at least a few hours early.
I stopped by Ick’s on the way out of town, we hung out for about half an hour, watched ESPN, and then I drove my grandmothers little red car to Savannah. At 6 p.m. on a Thursday slightly before Christmas I surrendered myself to a weekend that crossed one of my personal “Man-List” items forever off the chart, whether I liked it or not. The sheriffs and guards and whatnot all had a good chuckle as they booked me in about the latest 20 mile over weekend offender. I told you you’ll do the time if you do it, so don’t say I didn’t warn you.
I brought with me two books I’ve been meaning to read. Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand, and A Devil in the Details by K.A. Stewart. Now before I delve further into this “pseudo book review / jailhouse confessional” for the sake of ethics I will state that I personally know K.A. Stewart and actually get to call her by the full K for giggles. We were theatre kids together back in high school and her husband is one of my dearest high school friends:
Midwest Mythology Fact: The morning after Bigly’s Junior Prom Stooby came by to ask how it went, Bigly told him alright, Stooby told him Valerie was a cool chick and that he should call her back that evening. Bigly and Stooby then went to Hastings and Bigly bought his favorite shirt ever and called back the now mother of his two children. Stooby opined in the CD section how much he wished he could have taken one of their mutual friends to that prom, but she was dating a douche and it broke his heart. Of course nowadays her last name wouldn’t be StoobyTwo if both sides of that afternoon didn’t have a happy ending after all.
The jail kinda resembles like the one from Resident Evil….only inside it’s much older and the inmates are housed in one half on the first floor that’s locked off from everything. The Alpha Male living arrangements are assimilated quickly enough and I just took a small flop mattress out on the hallway that bridged the “T.V. Room” and the cell area. You could wander freely for the most part within these confines, there was also a cordoned off shower area with three more cells in a hallway next to it…and by shower I mean a small pipe with water coming out, this aint the Ritz.
However, I will also say that the long term and career jail guys are right, the food at the Andrew County Jail aint that bad. In fact the chili was rather good. The guys who bounce from jail to jail say it’s the best in the region. And I also loved how if you weren’t there right when it was served someone else ate yours, or bartered it off, f-in hellarious the way they did that to each other and then bragged about it when the person woke up.
I was also impressed with the boy scout water heating system they employed on the old radiator heaters that populated the housing area, hot tea and coffee on jailhouse tap mother%^&*’s! But really they do need new facilities up there for both personnel and inmates. I think they’re working on a bond or something, while I’d rather not return I do hope they get their upgrades….but keep the cook.
A picnic table also served as the TV stand and everyone gathered around it at all hours. This was in December of 2010 mind you, slightly before the Great Charlie Sheen happening. But I learned something that weekend, Jail Inmates love Two and a Half Men, and it was on in syndication on some channel at every time point within a day. It was something straight out of a PCU thesis, I swear.
It was rather easy to keep a promise to an old friend. But first I had to grind through Atlas Shrugged….some kinda reader self-immolation project on my part…..but jail is also for punishing yourself…..besides, when you’re serving “48 consecutive hours” and everyone’s watching Two and a Half Men you might as well get the hard stuff out of the way first.
It wasn’t like I was sleeping anyway, not after the “pee incident.” We won’t further delve into here, save to note this, I got a prison name from the guys there after I dealt with it. So don’t step to Big-Pac ‘lest you step correct son.
I can tell out tale is running long so here’s the Atlas Shrugged review: Yawn…skipped many parts….I fail to see how Angelina Jolie’s boobs are supposed to make this an enjoyable movie.
As for A Devil in the Details, it’s freakin’ awesome. And would make a much better movie with or without Angelina Jolies boobs….though I personally think the job of Jesse’s wife would require character boobs, not lead actress boobs….character boobs are better anyway. But I digress.
You’ve got a guy who swings badass swords and talks smack and get’s decent people off the hook when it comes to contracts with demons. His world is set right here in the Midwest, in fact it’s littered with Kansas City livin’ and the main character is a Royals fan which always buys the bonus points. He appreciates the rarity of a decent steak fry and knows the value in quality automotives. Even someone who doesn’t usually read "supernatural” themed books will be able to invest in the storylines of the characters because of the realistic world these events take place under the surface of. And it’s sort of a legal thriller too if you need that angle.
But that’s my endorsement, here’s the part where a reader of a different color weighs in.
Night two and I was done, it was 1 a.m. and I wasn’t gonna sleep, there was a headache at the gates and I couldn’t do much with Two and a Half Men denying me even a glimmer of late-nite movie madness. So I moved to a re-read of K.A’s book and was surprised by a question suddenly thrown my way.
“So is that a good book?” the inmate asked.
“Yeah” I replied.
“What’s your favorite part?” he asked.
“Uhhmmmmm probably this part.” As I quickly flipped to the section about the steak fries.
“Nah, I don’t read much, you read it, you said you read to kids that don’t.” As he pushed the book back my way. So I read it. Slowly…amazingly…their attention….all 10 or 11 of them began to turn from Two and a Half Men…..or drift in from the card games in the cell room. And in the soft vanilla of a cheap jailhouse lamp I finished reading the chapter while a firelight choir of the mediocre and damned listened in.
“That’s stories really cool man.” -- 19 year old in on some sort of armed robbery charge.
“I wish he could get me out of my contract” -- Guy from the back who was much older and much more of a lifetime offender. This was the only time he came out of his private cave the two days I was in, aside from bathroom breaks. People even brought him his food, nobody dared mess with it, I don’t wanna know what gets that jailhouse respect.
“Yeah, yeah man that’s cool.” – The Pill head
The guy who first asked me about it wanted me to keep reading, but a few other inmates who were more of the reading sort wanted me to stop and leave the book there when I left so they could read it. I don’t know if I was supposed to, but one of the cell rooms had already become some sort of library full of books, so I put it in there when I left, and that’s the part of the story that contains my jailhouse confessional….I also kept the toothbrush….it was Bob Barker brand....I figure I deserved a souvenir.
I bought that copy online at Amazon, and you can too! Then, if your mom leaves your second copy you got at Hastings in Atlanta when she’s visiting her sister you can get another one at Borders....for however long they stay open, or whatever book stores in your area that DO remain open. I personally recommend Hastings.
There’s a sequel coming out soon, I can’t wait to read it….but not behind bars this time.
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